Talking to a parent about accepting live-in care can be difficult. There is worry on both sides. You worry about whether they’ll be unhappy with the care provided, worry that they’ll be unhappy that you are suggesting they need help, worry that you are letting your parents down. They worry about being a burden, worry about how they can continue to cope, worry about the future when they are less able than they are.
If you are an adult child in East London who wants to keep your mum or dad (or both) safely at home, without taking away their independence – here are our tips for talking to your parents about live-in care, which can be a suitable alternative to residential care homes. The next step in taking care of your parents.
Prepare for the conversation
Spend some time reflecting on what has changed. There may have been falls or hospital visits, they might have missed medication, you might have noticed forgetfulness, you might be doing more and more for your parents as they are able to do less – and you can no longer cope. Carer burnout is common.
Agree on a united approach
If you share caring for your mum or dad with a sibling or relative, talk to them about what is needed and decide who is best placed to start the chat. Discuss with them what the best approach is and what resources are available within the family (time, funding, etc).
Do some homework
Find out what live-in care entails. We have some great resources available on this website and in our offices to fill in the details. If you are able to give 1-2 examples of how live-in care works and answer any immediate questions like ‘where does the carer sleep?’ that can help the conversation to go more smoothly.
Choose the right time and place
A calm, unhurried atmosphere will help your parents to remain calm. Choose a quiet afternoon at home, after a meal at lunchtime or in the evening. Make sure there is time for your mum or dad to think about what you say and ask questions. Don’t start the conversation in the middle of a crisis or argument. When emotions are high, after a fall or an argument, the conversation can appear to be confrontational.
Start by listening
Ask your parents how they are and how they are finding things at home at the moment. Ask them if they have any problems or concerns and what worries them most. That will open a conversation about “being a burden” or “losing independence”. Tell them that you want to understand what they want for their future – not to decide for them – to support them in their wishes.
Share your concerns with kindness
Use specific, loving observations like “I’ve noticed you seem tired after the stairs” rather than “you can’t manage any more”. I statements reduce defensiveness and disagreements. Use “I feel worried when..” rather than “you never…”. Keep the conversation positive, suggest that you want to support your parents to stay in their home and keep them safe, continue with their routines, eat delicious foods, see their friends, etc – all activities that can be supported by a live in carer.
Explain what live-in care looks like
Describe live-in care in plain language if they don’t already know what it is: a trained carer living at home to help with personal care, medications, meals, and companionship. There are a few common fears around care at home like losing privacy or control. Contrast these with the reality, they are still in charge of their lives and homes and the care team will be respectful of their privacy. Live in care will give them choice over routines, meals, visits and staying part of the community, in a way that moving to residential care might not. Provide relevant examples, e.g. if they like a masala chai in the morning, the carer can help with that. If they need time for prayer first thing, the carer can be told that.
Emphasise independence, choice and dignity
Independence, choice and dignity are the most common fears around receiving care. Emphasise to your parents that live-in care can protect their independence by helping them with harder tasks so they have more energy for the things they enjoy. Encourage them to have their say, keeping them in the driving seat and involving them in choosing the care provider and the carer, setting the house rules, deciding on routines, establishing where help is wanted. Reassure them that the family is not being replaced – rather they are being supplemented – and the carer will work alongside the family, supporting the relationship.
Offer options, not ultimatums
Suggest options, for example a trial run or short term respite care rather than a permanent commitment. This will allow time for your parents to get used to the idea that they need help and they may actually find that they like the extra attention. Present options on the different levels of support available. Compare visiting care for a few hours a day with live in care if night support or constant supervision is needed. Don’t use ultimatums and threats or “you must”, “if you don’t”, “now or never” language. This can damage trust.
What to do if they say no
No may not be the end of the discussion. It might be just the opposite, the start of a conversation. An initial no can be a knee jerk reaction to change. A parent might be overwhelmed by the idea that it is time for the next stage in their life. Keep the door open by saying “we don’t have to decide this today” or suggest finding out what’s available in the local area without any pressure to act straight away. If the need is urgent, it may help to involve trusted third parties, a GP or faith leaders, or other family members.
Cultural expectations
There are cultural expectations around care for elders being supplied by the immediate family. This is especially true for South Asian, African and other minority communities. Culturally appropriate professional care is one way for the family to care for elders. It is not a replacement for family relationships and care, it is additional care. At Jothno Care, we arrange for carers that match the family culture, speak the same language, who are familiar with food and dietary requirements and any faith preferences including gender preferences or religious observance. This allows us to support existing family values. Always feel free to ask if you have any specific requirements.
Next steps
Either before or after speaking with your parents, arrange a conversation with one of our care team. We can provide information about the care options available so that you can start the conversation fully informed or provide further information to your parents about what is available. We can explore funding options with you, so that money worries do not dominate the conversation.
Write down the priorities you have for your parents’ care and any worries that they have surrounding care and research solutions. Continue to have open, clear and honest conversations with your parents about what is happening and what they want to happen next. This will reassure them that they are still in control of their future. The aim is to keep your parents safe, respected and at home for as long as possible.
Book a no‑obligation chat with a care manager to talk through live‑in care options for your parents using our request form.